I was asked by a bright young girl, why I feel the way I do about relationships prior to sexual legality. The answer ended up being long winded and somewhat unique. So I've made it a post to share with the world.
Thank you Miccola.
“...why do you think this?“
The short answer would be observation and experience. But I know you want an answer with more substance.
The fact is I've written a book, a blog, and had many debates on the subject. So its hard to answer what I consider to be a huge and complex question with any degree of brevity. But I own you an attempt.
They can all be found from underlore.com
Our society tells women that the best thing about them is their 'beauty' or sex appeal. It tells them this with money, social order in the form of gender roles, and advertising primarily.
Young women, having no frame of reference, accept this because it's by and large the earliest thing they hear, even as infants for example, "Oooo she's so beautiful!". At this point it's innocent, but at some point it begins to take on a sexual connotation. Obviously this is going to begin on an individual level around puberty. So beautiful like a water fall starts to mean beautiful like a playboy model. All this at the same time as being told that a relationship is about 'love', which is not about, but paradoxically is related to, sex.
I say related to sex because if a 'relationship' were not about sex, if it were merely about companionship, similar interests, meaningful psychological connection, and all the other platonic traits ascribed, then why should the gender or the sexual orientation of the companion matter? Or said differently, how would it be different from a normal friendship? Obviously the difference is protestations of love and attraction. “You are so beautiful” “I love you so much” etc. but the obvious rule is you must say these things to someone you are willing to have sex with, now or in the future, or were willing to have sex with in the past, as expressed in elderly couples still having relationships well past sexual ability. That is the only real difference.
So, having established that every 'romantic' relationship, must be, by definition about sex, we can add in age and experience, and arrive at my initial claim; that a young attractive woman has almost no chance of developing what I would call a healthy understanding of what a relationship is.
A relationship is about sex, you have sexual value, it is illegal to openly pursue you for this reason, but people will desire to do so anyway since sexual development in America (thanks in part to our diet) occurs much earlier than the 18 year age limit. The consequences of this pursuit are monstrous if the 'goal' is reached, which as I've shown above, by definition, must be sexual in nature, or else its not a relationship, just a deep meaningful (and perfectly legal) friendship. And here's how I know your boyfriend is an idiot or a possessive liar. And where I get my feeling that relationships in general, especially for one who is young female and attractive, are a bad idea.
If he is willing to pursue you openly, and think that he's immune from prosecution because he's around your age, he's dangerously ignorant. If he's willing to risk being marked as a sex offender for life, and being raped in prison just for sex with a pretty girl, he's a moron. If he claims that sex is not a goal of his, then he is lying, and merely wishes to secure you for future sexual advances. This is unfair to you, because as a woman you are the chooser sex, and that choice, in order to be free, needs to be informed, and it can only be informed by exploring your options, and his action is designed expressly to limit those options to one, him. This is underhanded and not at all considerate of your life. It is also indicative of extreme insecurity. I've never understood why this behavior is lauded as a healthy gender norm for men.
Society is trying to turn you into a trophy. They encourage you to have relationships, when what a relationship really is in our society is a contract that no one should enter into.
When he expresses his care for you, ask him if he could feel this way about a person with whom he could never have sex, and have him explain why he must have you to himself, and listen for ownership ideas. Remember that true love is limitless, for example having another child doesn't mean you love your first one less. Granted there are different types of love, but thats a cop out because no matter what you call it, it has a definition, and if it's really a form of love, it has no limits. So if he speaks about love, and includes a limit, he's actually talking about lust.
The claims made here are in general, there will always be exceptions, but I'm talking about the majority, and the ideas, not the people.
I look forward to your reply.
You make a lot of really good points here.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit that I've never even been kissed, much less had sex. I'll also admit that I'm not saving sex for marriage; if the right time comes and I have protection, I don't have any objections. (I don't think, however, that this will be any time soon. I just don't think I'm emotionally ready.)
But I guess I just don't see what's wrong with lust, as long as it isn't the only reason for the boy and girl to be together. I don't think my boyfriend pursued me JUST for sex; we talked and he's obviously interested in my personality too.
While it's true that a boy under 18 can still be accused of statutory rape when he has sex with a minor, let's be honest, I don't think many juries would convict him.
I see how him trying to keep me all to himself might be seen as wrong, but honestly, I don't mind. If we were in an open relationship I would most definitely get jealous when he would "court" other girls. I think he's a nice guy and having HIM all to MYself sort of makes me feel protected.
And while I acknowledge that it's doubtful this relationship will last for the rest of my life, I sort of view high school romance as practice for adult relationships.
That was "Miccola," by the way (obviously).
ReplyDeleteFirst of all thank you for your thoughtful reply, I don't get a lot of discourse on this blog as you may have noticed. I find it extremely gratifying that you can view the situation with such clarity, and that you understand the spirit of my position.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're approaching your sexuality with such wisdom, you really attack my pessimism quite effectively, I find myself almost totally convinced that you'll not fall into the trap I see laid for the majority of people.
I agree that there's nothing wrong with lust in and of itself, on the contrary I see it as a valid human need which should be e,braced with all the passion and tolerance of eating. My problem is with the deception and ownership connotations that arise when lust is housed in the idea of romantic monogamous love. Just from your conversation here, I find myself having no problem believing that you could be pursued for your personality, but like I explained, all romantic relationships by their nature are sexually based, even when sex does not occur. I have no opinion beyond that of your relationship, my goal is not to control or judge people, but to inform them so that they can make free choices.
I also agree that conviction is unlikely, but thats part of my point, the fact that this behavior is encouraged by lack of enforcement, just makes it more likely to occur, and even if no conviction results, trial for rape can't be good for a person. Much like how the state encourages men to fist fight each other by making bare handed assault of one man on another almost a non-crime.
Your tolerance of being kept is to me a symptom of what can be viewed as a massive social conspiracy. It is almost a form of institutionalization. Informed consent does change the character of any action, but can you truly say your consent is informed when you're given no alternative? This situation is like being born in prison. People can tolerate almost anything if they are unaware of their choices. Or said another way, you can still be wronged, even if you don't mind.
As to jealousy, its a normal human reaction, but then again so is rage and hate and fear. We are told to fight those emotions as a matter of personal growth, but jealousy seems to have a special place for itself. Jealousy is catered to more than any other negative emotion, and I dislike this because its done to keep certain people in power and profit. Also, blaming the actions of other for your emotion is as unfair as beating the crap out of someone who made you angry and then saying to them “you see what you made me do?”. Again, I'm not trying to control your choices I'm just expressing my opinion of this concept. I'm glad you are honest about your self indulgence, this honesty more than anything else justifies a person's position.
I know you see high school as practice, that is also part of my point. You'll form opinions, habits, and positions in this synthetic environment and because it is all you have experienced you'll assume that those skills will carry over, but they don't. I used to video tape high school reunions professionally, and mark my words, those who are successful in high school are rarely successful in life, in the ways that matter, such as real happiness or ethics.
Your insights are definitely something to think about.
ReplyDeleteI'll download and read your book once I get home (I'm at a friends house right now).